"I Recently Relocated but it's Only Temporary": What She's Really Saying in her Online Profile Part 1

With all the talk about online dating, Your Professor thought it might be interesting to take some actual phrases from current online dating profiles posted by chicks on an actual dating website (that will go unnamed to avoid the inevitable lawsuits), and to let you know the true meanings so you can respond accordingly.

• “I'm a big girl with a big kind heart, but am known for being something of a smart-ass and love to match wits with someone who 'gets' my humor.” You’re not only fat but sarcastic too. Probably fancy yourself a pretty clever putdown artist. You love to make fun of others even though you are far from perfect. And did I say you’re fat?
• “I am a single parent, working two jobs. I enjoy taking walks, having good conversation and going out for lunch.” You have no time for an actual date. You like lots of attention without having to give anything up in return. You don’t just like going out for lunch; what you’re really saying is that you like having guys you meet online pay for lunch while giving up nothing in return. And did I say you’re fat?
• “Would love a man in my life to support me...I don't mean financially...I can do that...I mean to help me to become a better person....To support me to become healthier....Exercise together.”  Why do you need a man to do that? Can’t you do it on your own? You are needy. And did I even need to say you’re fat?
• “I’m very outgoing, like to read books (mystery) and watch movies, walk on the beach, like music any kind, travel. I used to be a backup singer for a band in Ventura it was a lot of fun.” You used to be hot. Now you’re fat. And old.
• “I enjoy going on vacation.” Long as you’re paying.
• “I just want a companion to talk with and walk with. Maybe take in a movie or dinner. Just to spend the evening talking finding out about each other and where we came from and where we are going.” I have no idea where I’m going, but I do know where you’re going…the cemetery. How old are you again?
• “I am spiritual, bright, fun, adventurous, willing to risk. I am constantly learning, communicating, expressing, and curious. I like to be in nature. Music plays a big part in my life.”  She’s really saying, “Hope you like spending your weekends mountain climbing or camping. Say goodbye to ESPN. I go to community college and take night classes in things that I will never use at my lowly job, classes you will eventually be paying for. After you start paying, I will take my next risk by having an affair with my photography teacher. Look forward to being nagged about why we don’t go out dancing three nights a week.”
• “I am NOT slender, athletic, muscular, petite. I am a BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. 5'8 3/4" 235#.” Some insensitive types would call that fat. No, ginormous.
• “I believe life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all. I always look forward because life is too precious to be wasted in regrets. I’m comfortable in all settings. I love spontaneity.” She has debts and fake names. She has already filed for bankruptcy once. She loves spontaneity…between your windshield and her tire iron.
• “I recently relocated to the Whittier area but it's only temporary. If you're caring, nurturing, understanding, considerate and consider yourself to be a sexy man?” Is that really a question? She may be in the Whittier area today, but she will soon be relocating to your home. By “caring, nurturing and understanding,” she means “willing to be paying for everything.” And she’ll be telling you constantly that you are not as "sexy" as she had hoped and that you need to lose weight. By the way, why is her move to the Whittier area “only temporary?” Because the last guy she met through online dating isn’t as “caring, nurturing and understanding” as she had hoped. Tag, you’re it.

Hope this gives you a better idea of what the Little Ladies are trying to say when looking to meet a man online. This is just the first of a series. More coming soon.